Thursday, January 2, 2014

Encounter: Or the Lack Thereof - Part 1

I have, for most of my life, had very little sex.

I first learned to masturbate when I was 20 years old and I first started meeting guys when I was 19 years old. Up until that point, I was extremely sexually frustrated. I have a high sex drive (my first wet dream that I remember came when I was 9 years old), but due in part to my own self-repression, I had no way of releasing my build-up. I just recognized my arousal as a highly pleasant experience that would leave me bothered. I deliberately sought out arousal, looking up hot pictures on the Net (once it was available) and asking my friends to belch for me. At the same time, I was disgusted by dicks and asses as I considered them remarkably unclean and unsanitary. This disgust led to one of my most frustrating experiences of cognitive dissonance, when I happened upon a picture of a remarkably hot guy with a huge dick, which both disgusted me and aroused me to no end.

One night stands out in my memory as I was aroused to the point of temporary insanity, where I could not sleep because I was too aroused. I went online and looked up hot guys and prostitute ads and became temporarily obsessed with one particular gigolo, a muscular Latin man with blue eyes, and began an excessive fantasizing of how I dedicate myself to him and all his whims. The only thing preventing me from this was my shyness and lack of means to get to him (or pay him).

Me in May of 1999. 16 years old and 
quite self-repressed.

During this dissonance, I had some limited exploration of my sexuality. I joined Yahoo! Groups dedicated to muscular men, bodybuilding, dominance, carrying and lifting, and belching. I exposed myself to and consumed the pictures, videos, and text I found there...yet had no way of releasing the arousal I was deliberately building up.

This dissonance lasted until the end of my high school years, where my closest friend asked me straight-out whether I was gay. I took my time in considering and deliberating my answer as I was gay, yet believed all that is gay to be wrong (as established in so much of popular culture). Once I decided (accepted) that I was gay, it opened a world for me, one I took my sweet time in exploring.

Initially, I began by joining personals sites such as Yahoo! Personals to reach out to guys. When that didn't net much other than e-mailing buddies, I went to ManHunt, asked whether it was okay to use their site for looking for friends rather than just hook-ups (youth mixed with navieté) and joined after I received a yes from the admin. I went slowly forward, simply seeking guys who would meet with me to meet and then see where things went. The most common thing we did was take a nightime walk on the beach of Key Biscayne where we would talk and I could lightly explore what it is to be gay.

To be continued...

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